sábado, 19 de mayo de 2007



Well, hi all TdT fans. I know you were wondering, where the hell is this guy that used to amuse my Fridays. I was dead. For real. Not. I was just taking a rest. The fact is that I was in Hedone Part III, the Goddess beach in Barracuda, a beach in Belize. My nickname was Olympo, the Erotic Bondiolita.

Then I was in Greenland, I was having a very good time shooting penguins and mexican wrestlers. There were like 50 penguins, 34 wrestlers and 4 McDonald's clerks. Like 88 points. I was trying to conquer the world north-to-south but as the weather was so cold I totally forgot how to conquer planets and was just trying to survive stealing coffee shops (not the Amsterdam ones), but I was so bad that an old lady called Helga Smirnoff threw me by the coffee window and I bumped into a Chevy 1970 full of dirty pigs. It was fun.

Then I was in Bangladesh. I tried to made an "asado" but my house keeper Prakash told me if I was crazy then I killed him with my laser pistol. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am the official distributor of Vader Corp Laser Rays Inc., also known as VACLAR. So, let's return to Prakash funeral. I was with all his family but I received a call from Kaverno, my housekeeper because I had to live to another funeral in London. I forgot to tell you that I am also the official distributor of ANOTHERLIVE funeral parties, it's a franchise developed by my family and I am the public relations manager. It's kind of fun, and since the funeral #4 you don't have to put lemon juice or MENTOL in your eyes for starting crying.

Then I grabbed Helga, Prakash and a sheep that I picked up in Ireland called Bourbon Blaster #27 and we flew all over to the funeral. Superfun.

Then I realized I wasn't conquering the world that week. Then I started to play with several cronometres, starting them at the same time and looking which one finishes first. 30 times. Then I went to bed. I was tired you know.


PS: I will conquer the world next week, I promies

viernes, 4 de mayo de 2007

The Celestial Gong

Dear TdT fantastic followers and groupies:

In this shiny happy afternoon I’m pleased to say that Tiempo is not an invention of my mind.
Tiempo really exists and I have brought many proves of that. I’m detailing a list of them below:

1- Tiempo exists in each watch. This is good, powerful, pathetic sales argument for any conference. When anybody asks you “What Time is it?”. And you, deep in your heart know that Tiempo is there, looking for you, but it would be a little insane to respond “It is the only almighty Time”, so instead you’d say “It’s four thirty”, which is just to remind yourself that you was speaking of Tiempo, the sole survivor (Asia).
2- Tiempo exists in each raindrop. This is a natural argument and it can be seen when anybody asks you “Cómo está el Tiempo?”, they are referreing on how Tiempo is doing. I would say “I don’t care asshole”, or maybe o polite answer could be “I don’t care stupid old lady”.
3- Tiempo lives in a boat called “Bombón Asesino”, which was dedicated to a serial killer chocolate. 4 paparazzi enjoying royalties from artists that died because of flashes saw Tiempo fishing for sharks in the Bahamas yesterday. There are no pictures.
4- Tiempo from time to time. Time after time. A classic.
5- Tiempo indeed is also called Pachamama Suárez because of his Latin-American roots and his good habit of chewing herbs that make you think that you’re Mel Gibson in Braveheart.
6- Tiempo just signed autographs in the International Book Fair at Buenos Aires, Argentina. His last book, “How to cook a hamster just by fractioning his organs” sold 4 million copies around the world 12 minutes after it was released.
7- Tiempo is registered as Citizen of the Week by Vampire magazine. You rock timey-cito.
8- Tiempo knows everything about you and your family. Not. But we have to say so because sounds powerful.
9- Tiempo loves his job. Recently he won the Employee of the Month at the Dead Rapsody King Fantasmagorian contest. His main skill was to serve 23 customers in a row and not to match a single requirement. They threw tomatoes at his face but he disguised as Darth Vader and he run. Run like hell. Darth rocks.

Other minor facts and deductions:

- Tiempo lives. Superman lives. Tiempo is Clark Kent. Tiempo smokes Kent.
- Tiempo rocks. Sushi roll. Forever young.
- Tiempo is in your deepest thoughts. You think you’re alive. Tiempo has a deep live. This is the best.
- Tiempo swims. Fish swim. Time to fish.
- Tiempo is light. Light is living. Tiempo has a nice living, with very nice furniture and a view.
- Tiempo makes you smile. You smile. When I see you smile (Bad English).
- Tiempo loves you. All you need is love. All you need is Tiempo. (Beatles)
- Tiempo exists. Rain exists. Tiempo is Rain. Purple Rain. (Prince)

I think these are sufficient proves that Tiempo indeed exists and it is not a product of my mind. I guess.

Sayonara. Celestial gong.

Carlomagno Koola shaker
Tiempo’s biographer and factual assistant #3

lunes, 23 de abril de 2007

Tiempo Newsletter - confidential (4/20)

Hi everyone.

Well, this week we have several Tiempo novelties:

(1) Tiempo is not going to marry the Crapula Frigidaire stuff girl from the other week. He was just infatuated because of her big blue eyes and ability to create Outlook filters.

(2) Recent discoveries indicate the Tiempo’s origin is in Sayreville, New Jersey. I know what you thought, the same town where Bon Jovi band story originated. You see? Coincidences.

(3) Tiempo is going to practice his sing abilities and he is going to sing a new Broadway play called “The Tiempo Torta, Cakes are forever”, which is an improvement of “Diamons are forever”, the James Bond movie.

(4) Tiempo is not going to have any child or weird herb; he was being blackmailed because Crapula Richardson had a big debt because of bet problem of his first husband, Howard Stephenson, III, who had a dry eye and problems to turn to the right when he was driving. Howard and Crapula met together first in Mechanicsburg, Pennsilvania. Yes, the same town where the band Poison was originated, right? Perfect, two in a row. Golden.

(5) Tiempo is looking for a nanny for his new pet, Kilgurt, the almighty mouse, which weights around 200 kilos and he does not move at all. It’s basically a bag of potatoes that eats cheese and garbage. Nevertheless he’s nice. The problem is that, as Kilgurt Albert Sigfred is narcoleptic. Tiempo had great time making fools of his friends as he lies that Kilgurt is dead, while he is not. Black humor. You manage.

(6) Tiempo is also going to open a direct 800 line for the people to communicate with him. You just have to follow these instructions:

a. Lift the phone part that one side goes to the ear and the other to the mouth.

b. Hear the noise. Come on Feel the noise. Quiet Riot.


d. Wait 7 minutes in complete silence.

e. An operator is going to give you a turn number. Number started yesterday in #1. If you’re reading this, you’re more or less #45780.

f. The operator will give you a date and time of reunion with Tiempo. Yes you will know him. You will know Tiempo!! My living dog, is this crazy?!?! Am I Willie Wonka?!?! No!- shut up.

g. You go to the place on the defined date and meet with Tiempo.

h. Never hang the phone.

That is it, Tiempo was lazy this week, but he is preparing a whole t-shirt line with his classic designs:

[Time of my life]

[Sexy collection]

[Latin collection]

[Lindo Tiempo, Nice time, Global Collection]

[Rebel T-shirt]

That is all. End of world is nearby. Life is short.

My beloved friends (4/13/2007)

Hi all TF’s-

(You know, Tiempo Fan) – Ventilador cronometrado, etc.

I know that with all these Holidays everything with the world conquer plan was a little bit messy. Celebrations, drunk guys, blind hamsters, running shoes impulsed by running people that was running because they told them to run, evern though they don’t like it, they run. Run like hell. Golden retriever.

The main piece of news for these 2 weeks is that Tiempo is going to be a father. Yup. He fertilized a female partner called Crapula Blaster Frigidaire SugarHoney, which is going to be also the name of all their children. That for sure is going to be a problem, not only because they will not differentiate each other when are called to go for breakfast or to kill old ladies, but because Tiempo does not know how to call every children in the world. You’ll see, Crapula is going to have the 50% of all Tiempo’s empire, but as an interchange, she’s going to give him from 17 to 58 little chronometers with their tiny numbers (they all are digitals). You’ll see, in Tiempo’s family, every watch is digital, except the Grandfather Mercury Grand Slam Brick & Mortar aka “Luchito The Intrepid Rat”, so right now there is kind of a mess as well in the new world conquering Tiempo’s family.

For us, little and unsignificant mortals, that means that Tiempo is maybe not going to be our beloved father, but maybe our lovely uncle or the guy that takes cookies and gifts in December 24th. Like a Santa Tiempo, Tiempo Noel, Claus Time, Time Rapunzel Adventure, Tiempo’s New Year’s Eve, or Tiempos Carnival Selection of Better reguetton discs. You manage. Right now, Tiempo is trying to slow down these stressful moments of his life and he went fishing to the Patagonia, where he owns 15,000 acres of forest, woods and a porn movies swedish producer company called “Let’s Take It Slow, honey, I’m freezing here”.

Also, Tiempo is trying to finish a new book called “Tiempo, just like that”, which has pages full with numbers in no order. It will be a success said his Marketing Director as he did this on purpose, to see if people is more familiar with numbers in no order.

Finally, Tiempo is very glad that these past 2 weeks nobody asked for him, so he tried to kill himself 17 times with a knife. But as he didn’t have any, he tried to do so with an Atari 2600 joystick. As this object was not sharp at all, he tried to finish his life by playing Decathlon 9 hours per day, and drinking Tequila with his own hands. Now he doesn’t feel a single thing in his hands and he smells like shit, but he’s happily alive having peyote visions of spanish conquerors.

Truly yours,

Frank Einstein

Tiempo’s Bilingual Biographer and Duck Shooting Champion of the Americas, 1980-1987, 1989

viernes, 30 de marzo de 2007

Tdt - Regular lackluster news (3/30)

A very good piece of news of our hero:

Tiempo is very glad to be here again. STOP.
Tiempo knows that time is time, time after time (Cindy Lauper). STOP.
STOP, into the name of love – Donna Summer. Ok- Golden retriever.
Tiempo let his rice machine to do his laundry. This is cool. This is so Tiempo’s. 10-4.
Tiempo never dries his socks in his microwave, hi dries his feet. RESET.
Only time will tell who was right, Tiempo or the Greek gods, whoever they are. REBOOT.

SONG: Tiempo wants to share with you his last hymn, please imagine a solemn band formed by 45 musicians, under the rain in a beautiful park. Lyrics go like:

Neither the rain, neither the desert,
Neither the solitude, neither the pain,
No freaky mountain or giant rocket,
Will stop my piece of cake.

I know I haven’t almost worked,
While I’m reading this again,
And I know I won’t complete,
my freaking’ 80 percent.

I have in life just two big purposes
One is to eat, one is to be,
To be the best Tiempo follower,
And also burn my Christmas tree.

In the final lines of Tiempo’s
Time to time, will always tell,
That Tiempo wants to save your soul
Of the evil Crackers hell.

I say goodbye, but for a reason,
I have to go, to go for work
To work to build a world for Tiempo,
A Tiempo’s World, a Tieeeemmmpooooooooooooooooooooo’sssssss
Woooooooooooooooooooorlllllllllllllddddddddddddd (The end with a full fanfare if 4,500 kids and 350 nuns).

Tiempo is glad you enjoyed his hymn. He will send a demo Trip-Hop Dance Sonica Folk CD to the newly released FlanDeMilk! Studios for release his one millionth copy!

All yours,

The mighty impossible super duper ultra turbo sound surround,


Visit us at: www.songthehymn.com.tiempo

viernes, 23 de marzo de 2007

Tdt Times - Investigators needed!

Hi all TdT burned readers,

This week there are no news of Tiempo. Just like that. You manage. He’s just missing. Buaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ok, let’s behave like grown ups.

Since past week when the strike was present he was last seen in an island nearby Italy. He was very depressed dressing a yellow Hawaiian shirt and trooper boots with metal knifes to hunt sharks, sport that he was used to practice when he was a child. His world conquering team didn’t make anything either because basically they don’t know what to do if he’s not nearby. So the only thing that happened this week is the appearance of a letter:

“Dear amigo Tolta,

I’m from a very far away country and I want to be conquered by you. I have 17 children and I already changed their name to Torta and pastry relatives so you get to love him. My dog is known as Sandwich-drop-dead-you-damn-idiot and he can walk in ropes at 3,000 feet high. My grandmother is dead, so well, she’s not going to do anything, but if she were alive, she would love to be part of your perturbed team.

All yours,


Everybody in the press release team of Torta is trying to solve this mistery which is a not welcome coincidence. We think that it might be a blackmailing letter in code, and that Torta could be tortured now by Salad Crackers his multisupertruboultraarchienemy. If you know something about him please let us know, he looks like a Salad Cracker and tastes like it, but only if you lick it. There is a reward (not an award, you greedy), of $10,000 kukkis, which is about US$2,5, or seven pesos. This is way the bigges reward that Torta is going to pay you EVER.

Also, we involved some of the biggest private investigators to chase the mother fathers that are trying to kill him. In other, more interesting news, Golden Retriever has been seen walking in the Jamaican moon. Ride costs $20 per 2 hours. Bananas are recommended for returning ok and safe landing.

All yours,

The Disappeared Printer of 20th floor

viernes, 16 de marzo de 2007

Sandwich time boicott

Hi Tiempo Fans,

Ok, you are now wondering, what in God’s name is Sandwich time? I have no clue, as you guys. This is for sure an impostor, or a new pathetic evil person try to buy your weaken souls by giving you more nutritive food. Noooooooooooooooo (Please imagine myself shouting at you from the top of an abyss with echo and reaching the sky with my hands while a pigeon flies over the prairie)…

This is a dirty trick from obscure forces that are trying to unauthorized me! I ask you to join forces and do a Sanwich time strike, I’m serious, a strike!

I know that you’re hungry and you’re dying for a super sandwich, but this can’t be happening. I mean, I am your god, I am your savior, your everything, I’ll be there for you (like Bon Jovi) and I need you to get together, grab a stick and burn the office. (I forgot, get some matches and gas too).

At the same time, I was going to use the weekly Tiemposletter to inform you of some advances in the world conquering project and congratulate many of you with the Civilization Lost Award, the Giant Unnutritive Rogel Award and the National Geographic Weird Photograph Award. I know that this is very strange for you (I mean to be conquered by a piece of cake), but I’M NOT A PIECE OF CAKE! I AM YOUR LORD and BIG MAJESTY. Please?? Please? Por favor, tell me la verdad!

Golden retriever,


(Very angry)

/ |

…. Extra! Extra! I just received a cable communication stating that my cousin Erotic Bondiola has sent a menace letter with all this Sandwich Time stuff. Do not fall in this trap, it’s a trick to obtain your faith and time and money and your mother in law. [Erotic] You’re going to pay for this Bondi

PS: This is not going to stay like this
PS2: This is very difficult to write as I’m very hungry
PS3: Join me in Torta Olympics, our new video game! Selling for $14,99 – get your friend to be the Torta you like to be!