Tiempo Newsletter - confidential (4/20)

Hi everyone.



Well, this week we have several Tiempo novelties:



(1) Tiempo is not going to marry the Crapula Frigidaire stuff girl from the other week. He was just infatuated because of her big blue eyes and ability to create Outlook filters.

(2) Recent discoveries indicate the Tiempo’s origin is in Sayreville, New Jersey. I know what you thought, the same town where Bon Jovi band story originated. You see? Coincidences.

(3) Tiempo is going to practice his sing abilities and he is going to sing a new Broadway play called “The Tiempo Torta, Cakes are forever”, which is an improvement of “Diamons are forever”, the James Bond movie.

(4) Tiempo is not going to have any child or weird herb; he was being blackmailed because Crapula Richardson had a big debt because of bet problem of his first husband, Howard Stephenson, III, who had a dry eye and problems to turn to the right when he was driving. Howard and Crapula met together first in Mechanicsburg, Pennsilvania. Yes, the same town where the band Poison was originated, right? Perfect, two in a row. Golden.

(5) Tiempo is looking for a nanny for his new pet, Kilgurt, the almighty mouse, which weights around 200 kilos and he does not move at all. It’s basically a bag of potatoes that eats cheese and garbage. Nevertheless he’s nice. The problem is that, as Kilgurt Albert Sigfred is narcoleptic. Tiempo had great time making fools of his friends as he lies that Kilgurt is dead, while he is not. Black humor. You manage.

(6) Tiempo is also going to open a direct 800 line for the people to communicate with him. You just have to follow these instructions:

a. Lift the phone part that one side goes to the ear and the other to the mouth.

b. Hear the noise. Come on Feel the noise. Quiet Riot.

c. Dial 1-800-TIEMPODETORTAISGOINGTOWAITFROMMYCALLALLMYLIFE

d. Wait 7 minutes in complete silence.

e. An operator is going to give you a turn number. Number started yesterday in #1. If you’re reading this, you’re more or less #45780.

f. The operator will give you a date and time of reunion with Tiempo. Yes you will know him. You will know Tiempo!! My living dog, is this crazy?!?! Am I Willie Wonka?!?! No!- shut up.

g. You go to the place on the defined date and meet with Tiempo.

h. Never hang the phone.



That is it, Tiempo was lazy this week, but he is preparing a whole t-shirt line with his classic designs:



[Time of my life]

[Sexy collection]

[Latin collection]

[Lindo Tiempo, Nice time, Global Collection]

[Rebel T-shirt]




That is all. End of world is nearby. Life is short.