Hi everyone.
Well, this week we have several Tiempo novelties:
(1) Tiempo is not going to marry the Crapula Frigidaire stuff girl from the other week. He was just infatuated because of her big blue eyes and ability to create Outlook filters.
(2) Recent discoveries indicate the Tiempo’s origin is in Sayreville, New Jersey. I know what you thought, the same town where Bon Jovi band story originated. You see? Coincidences.
(3) Tiempo is going to practice his sing abilities and he is going to sing a new Broadway play called “The Tiempo Torta, Cakes are forever”, which is an improvement of “Diamons are forever”, the James Bond movie.
(4) Tiempo is not going to have any child or weird herb; he was being blackmailed because Crapula Richardson had a big debt because of bet problem of his first husband, Howard Stephenson, III, who had a dry eye and problems to turn to the right when he was driving. Howard and Crapula met together first in Mechanicsburg, Pennsilvania. Yes, the same town where the band Poison was originated, right? Perfect, two in a row. Golden.
(5) Tiempo is looking for a nanny for his new pet, Kilgurt, the almighty mouse, which weights around 200 kilos and he does not move at all. It’s basically a bag of potatoes that eats cheese and garbage. Nevertheless he’s nice. The problem is that, as Kilgurt Albert Sigfred is narcoleptic. Tiempo had great time making fools of his friends as he lies that Kilgurt is dead, while he is not. Black humor. You manage.
(6) Tiempo is also going to open a direct 800 line for the people to communicate with him. You just have to follow these instructions:
a. Lift the phone part that one side goes to the ear and the other to the mouth.
b. Hear the noise. Come on Feel the noise. Quiet Riot.
c. Dial 1-800-TIEMPODETORTAISGOINGTOWAITFROMMYCALLALLMYLIFE
d. Wait 7 minutes in complete silence.
e. An operator is going to give you a turn number. Number started yesterday in #1. If you’re reading this, you’re more or less #45780.
f. The operator will give you a date and time of reunion with Tiempo. Yes you will know him. You will know Tiempo!! My living dog, is this crazy?!?! Am I Willie Wonka?!?! No!- shut up.
g. You go to the place on the defined date and meet with Tiempo.
h. Never hang the phone.
That is it, Tiempo was lazy this week, but he is preparing a whole t-shirt line with his classic designs:
[Time of my life]
[Sexy collection]
[Latin collection]
[Lindo Tiempo, Nice time, Global Collection]
[Rebel T-shirt]
That is all. End of world is nearby. Life is short.
lunes, 23 de abril de 2007
My beloved friends (4/13/2007)
Hi all TF’s-
(You know, Tiempo Fan) – Ventilador cronometrado, etc.
I know that with all these Holidays everything with the world conquer plan was a little bit messy. Celebrations, drunk guys, blind hamsters, running shoes impulsed by running people that was running because they told them to run, evern though they don’t like it, they run. Run like hell. Golden retriever.
The main piece of news for these 2 weeks is that Tiempo is going to be a father. Yup. He fertilized a female partner called Crapula Blaster Frigidaire SugarHoney, which is going to be also the name of all their children. That for sure is going to be a problem, not only because they will not differentiate each other when are called to go for breakfast or to kill old ladies, but because Tiempo does not know how to call every children in the world. You’ll see, Crapula is going to have the 50% of all Tiempo’s empire, but as an interchange, she’s going to give him from 17 to 58 little chronometers with their tiny numbers (they all are digitals). You’ll see, in Tiempo’s family, every watch is digital, except the Grandfather Mercury Grand Slam Brick & Mortar aka “Luchito The Intrepid Rat”, so right now there is kind of a mess as well in the new world conquering Tiempo’s family.
For us, little and unsignificant mortals, that means that Tiempo is maybe not going to be our beloved father, but maybe our lovely uncle or the guy that takes cookies and gifts in December 24th. Like a Santa Tiempo, Tiempo Noel, Claus Time, Time Rapunzel Adventure, Tiempo’s New Year’s Eve, or Tiempos Carnival Selection of Better reguetton discs. You manage. Right now, Tiempo is trying to slow down these stressful moments of his life and he went fishing to the Patagonia, where he owns 15,000 acres of forest, woods and a porn movies swedish producer company called “Let’s Take It Slow, honey, I’m freezing here”.
Also, Tiempo is trying to finish a new book called “Tiempo, just like that”, which has pages full with numbers in no order. It will be a success said his Marketing Director as he did this on purpose, to see if people is more familiar with numbers in no order.
Finally, Tiempo is very glad that these past 2 weeks nobody asked for him, so he tried to kill himself 17 times with a knife. But as he didn’t have any, he tried to do so with an Atari 2600 joystick. As this object was not sharp at all, he tried to finish his life by playing Decathlon 9 hours per day, and drinking Tequila with his own hands. Now he doesn’t feel a single thing in his hands and he smells like shit, but he’s happily alive having peyote visions of spanish conquerors.
Truly yours,
Frank Einstein
Tiempo’s Bilingual Biographer and Duck Shooting Champion of the Americas, 1980-1987, 1989
(You know, Tiempo Fan) – Ventilador cronometrado, etc.
I know that with all these Holidays everything with the world conquer plan was a little bit messy. Celebrations, drunk guys, blind hamsters, running shoes impulsed by running people that was running because they told them to run, evern though they don’t like it, they run. Run like hell. Golden retriever.
The main piece of news for these 2 weeks is that Tiempo is going to be a father. Yup. He fertilized a female partner called Crapula Blaster Frigidaire SugarHoney, which is going to be also the name of all their children. That for sure is going to be a problem, not only because they will not differentiate each other when are called to go for breakfast or to kill old ladies, but because Tiempo does not know how to call every children in the world. You’ll see, Crapula is going to have the 50% of all Tiempo’s empire, but as an interchange, she’s going to give him from 17 to 58 little chronometers with their tiny numbers (they all are digitals). You’ll see, in Tiempo’s family, every watch is digital, except the Grandfather Mercury Grand Slam Brick & Mortar aka “Luchito The Intrepid Rat”, so right now there is kind of a mess as well in the new world conquering Tiempo’s family.
For us, little and unsignificant mortals, that means that Tiempo is maybe not going to be our beloved father, but maybe our lovely uncle or the guy that takes cookies and gifts in December 24th. Like a Santa Tiempo, Tiempo Noel, Claus Time, Time Rapunzel Adventure, Tiempo’s New Year’s Eve, or Tiempos Carnival Selection of Better reguetton discs. You manage. Right now, Tiempo is trying to slow down these stressful moments of his life and he went fishing to the Patagonia, where he owns 15,000 acres of forest, woods and a porn movies swedish producer company called “Let’s Take It Slow, honey, I’m freezing here”.
Also, Tiempo is trying to finish a new book called “Tiempo, just like that”, which has pages full with numbers in no order. It will be a success said his Marketing Director as he did this on purpose, to see if people is more familiar with numbers in no order.
Finally, Tiempo is very glad that these past 2 weeks nobody asked for him, so he tried to kill himself 17 times with a knife. But as he didn’t have any, he tried to do so with an Atari 2600 joystick. As this object was not sharp at all, he tried to finish his life by playing Decathlon 9 hours per day, and drinking Tequila with his own hands. Now he doesn’t feel a single thing in his hands and he smells like shit, but he’s happily alive having peyote visions of spanish conquerors.
Truly yours,
Frank Einstein
Tiempo’s Bilingual Biographer and Duck Shooting Champion of the Americas, 1980-1987, 1989
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