sábado, 19 de mayo de 2007

freezermania

Hi,

Well, hi all TdT fans. I know you were wondering, where the hell is this guy that used to amuse my Fridays. I was dead. For real. Not. I was just taking a rest. The fact is that I was in Hedone Part III, the Goddess beach in Barracuda, a beach in Belize. My nickname was Olympo, the Erotic Bondiolita.

Then I was in Greenland, I was having a very good time shooting penguins and mexican wrestlers. There were like 50 penguins, 34 wrestlers and 4 McDonald's clerks. Like 88 points. I was trying to conquer the world north-to-south but as the weather was so cold I totally forgot how to conquer planets and was just trying to survive stealing coffee shops (not the Amsterdam ones), but I was so bad that an old lady called Helga Smirnoff threw me by the coffee window and I bumped into a Chevy 1970 full of dirty pigs. It was fun.

Then I was in Bangladesh. I tried to made an "asado" but my house keeper Prakash told me if I was crazy then I killed him with my laser pistol. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am the official distributor of Vader Corp Laser Rays Inc., also known as VACLAR. So, let's return to Prakash funeral. I was with all his family but I received a call from Kaverno, my housekeeper because I had to live to another funeral in London. I forgot to tell you that I am also the official distributor of ANOTHERLIVE funeral parties, it's a franchise developed by my family and I am the public relations manager. It's kind of fun, and since the funeral #4 you don't have to put lemon juice or MENTOL in your eyes for starting crying.

Then I grabbed Helga, Prakash and a sheep that I picked up in Ireland called Bourbon Blaster #27 and we flew all over to the funeral. Superfun.

Then I realized I wasn't conquering the world that week. Then I started to play with several cronometres, starting them at the same time and looking which one finishes first. 30 times. Then I went to bed. I was tired you know.

Tiempo

PS: I will conquer the world next week, I promies

viernes, 4 de mayo de 2007

The Celestial Gong

Dear TdT fantastic followers and groupies:

In this shiny happy afternoon I’m pleased to say that Tiempo is not an invention of my mind.
Tiempo really exists and I have brought many proves of that. I’m detailing a list of them below:

1- Tiempo exists in each watch. This is good, powerful, pathetic sales argument for any conference. When anybody asks you “What Time is it?”. And you, deep in your heart know that Tiempo is there, looking for you, but it would be a little insane to respond “It is the only almighty Time”, so instead you’d say “It’s four thirty”, which is just to remind yourself that you was speaking of Tiempo, the sole survivor (Asia).
2- Tiempo exists in each raindrop. This is a natural argument and it can be seen when anybody asks you “Cómo está el Tiempo?”, they are referreing on how Tiempo is doing. I would say “I don’t care asshole”, or maybe o polite answer could be “I don’t care stupid old lady”.
3- Tiempo lives in a boat called “Bombón Asesino”, which was dedicated to a serial killer chocolate. 4 paparazzi enjoying royalties from artists that died because of flashes saw Tiempo fishing for sharks in the Bahamas yesterday. There are no pictures.
4- Tiempo from time to time. Time after time. A classic.
5- Tiempo indeed is also called Pachamama Suárez because of his Latin-American roots and his good habit of chewing herbs that make you think that you’re Mel Gibson in Braveheart.
6- Tiempo just signed autographs in the International Book Fair at Buenos Aires, Argentina. His last book, “How to cook a hamster just by fractioning his organs” sold 4 million copies around the world 12 minutes after it was released.
7- Tiempo is registered as Citizen of the Week by Vampire magazine. You rock timey-cito.
8- Tiempo knows everything about you and your family. Not. But we have to say so because sounds powerful.
9- Tiempo loves his job. Recently he won the Employee of the Month at the Dead Rapsody King Fantasmagorian contest. His main skill was to serve 23 customers in a row and not to match a single requirement. They threw tomatoes at his face but he disguised as Darth Vader and he run. Run like hell. Darth rocks.

Other minor facts and deductions:

- Tiempo lives. Superman lives. Tiempo is Clark Kent. Tiempo smokes Kent.
- Tiempo rocks. Sushi roll. Forever young.
- Tiempo is in your deepest thoughts. You think you’re alive. Tiempo has a deep live. This is the best.
- Tiempo swims. Fish swim. Time to fish.
- Tiempo is light. Light is living. Tiempo has a nice living, with very nice furniture and a view.
- Tiempo makes you smile. You smile. When I see you smile (Bad English).
- Tiempo loves you. All you need is love. All you need is Tiempo. (Beatles)
- Tiempo exists. Rain exists. Tiempo is Rain. Purple Rain. (Prince)

I think these are sufficient proves that Tiempo indeed exists and it is not a product of my mind. I guess.

Sayonara. Celestial gong.

Carlomagno Koola shaker
Tiempo’s biographer and factual assistant #3